


Uh...Khakis?

by AlexanderYamilton



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: DONT TAKE THIS TOO SERIOUSLY, I am not affiliated with State Farm, M/M, State Farm AU, just khakis, khakis, no that's not a joke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-14 21:47:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8030002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexanderYamilton/pseuds/AlexanderYamilton
Summary: Hanschen Rilow has been having some anxieties about his current insurance, and it's taking over his life. Luckily, like a good neighbor, State Farm is there (with an agent that looks oh-so-nasty in those khakis.)





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins

Hanschen watched in horror as his house was rapidly consumed in flames, palms sweaty as his insurance agent put him on hold for the 5th time.  
By this time, the Fire Department had arrived on the scene, doing everything they could to stop the fire.  
A dull voice murmured in his ear, forcing him to tear his eyes from the blasts of water and return his attention to the agent on the phone.  
He quickly explained the situation: some passerby had tossed a still-lit cigarette into his front bushes, causing the shrubbery to catch fire, taking his house along with it.  
The agent said nothing, his typing the only sound coming from the other end of the call.  
Hanschen let out an exasperated sigh, willing the agent to work faster. “ _Please_ ,” he whispered as the Fire Department doused the last of the remaining flames.  
Suddenly, Otto, his agent, appeared beside him, studying the scene.  
“Well, well Hanschen, an accidental fire completely out of your control? Oh, this would most certainly be covered…if only it weren’t 4 A.M. on a Sunday. You know what that means.  
Hanschen’s eyes widened, silently begging. “ _No_ ”  
A wicked smile spread across Otto’s face, and though the flames were long gone, Hanschen could still see them reflected in Otto’s eyes as he gleefully said “You’re not covered, Hanschen.  
“No.” Hanschen’s voice broke as he crumpled to the ground, sobbing while his agent cackled, his home now little more than ash and residual smoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, welcome to this shit show.  
> The prologue is short, I know, but I can promise a longer chapter coming up.  
> Thanks for reading!


	2. Light in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath, and some new hope in a new insurance.  
> Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with State Farm Insurance. I don't even have State Farm. This is not an advertisement.

“Hans, c’mon.”

“Would you just reconsider my claim, Otto,” Hanschen groaned

A sigh. “Hanschen, just wake up, come on. It’s not real.”

“Wha..What?” Hanschen opened his eyes, his boyfriend, Max, blurry through his drowsy eyes.

“Hans, it was just a dream. Again.”

“Oh,” he replied, rubbing his eyes as he sat up. “Sorry, Max. I mean, it really was awful,” he began defensively, trying to maintain some semblance of dignity. “I thought-“

“That the house was on fire and Otto told you the insurance wouldn’t cover it, I know.” Though the room was dark, Hanschen could tell Max was rolling his eyes. “Just because it happened to Melchior, it doesn’t mean it’ll happen to us.” Hanschen hummed in agreement, not saying anything else at risk of embarrassing himself further. “I don’t see why this is shaking you up so badly; last time I checked, you hate Melchior.”

And he really did. When Hanschen had first learned of the fire at Melchior’s place, he honestly couldn’t have cared less. The two of them had never gotten along, and had Anna not insisted that he join the rest of his old classmates in helping Melchior out, Hanschen would have been able to move on without a second thought. But no, he gave in, and through his reluctant support, he learned that they shared an unreliable insurance provider.

So, really, all the worrying and nightmares had been all Melchior Gabor’s fault.

Hanschen voiced this observation with a smirk to Max, who merely groaned in response. “Just try to forget about it. Please. At least for my sake.”

“Yeah, I’ll try.” A pause, then Hanschen sighed. “I really am sorry.”

Max laughed, placing a hand on his lover’s cheek. “I know, and it’s okay. It’s not your fault you’re so sensitive.”

“Shut up, I am _not_ sensitive,” Hanschen mumbled, scowling as he reached over to playfully shove Max until he felt a soft brush of lips against his own.

“Whatever you say, sweetheart,” Max teased. Another kiss, this one lingering, Hanschen humming in satisfaction before Max broke the kiss, settling back under the blankets. “Now come on, go back to sleep.

Hanschen shook his head, then, remembering the movement couldn’t be seen in the dark bedroom, he stated that, “I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to. I’m just going to go watch TV. I’ll keep it down for you, I know you’re not feeling well.” Max murmured his approval, and Hanschen placed a kiss on his forehead.

“Love you, Max.”

“Mmm…love you too,” Max replied drowsily.

With that, Hanschen closed the bedroom door and made his way to the couch, digging around in the cushions until he found the remote. He switched on the television, which was, thankfully, already set to a low volume, and resigned himself to yet another night of nonstop Fear Factor because that was the _only damn thing on_ at this hour.

Just as he began to really focus on the show-some guy looked about ready to hurl during a particularly disgusting bug-eating challenge- it went to commercial. Hanschen rolled his eyes at the two men in the commercial; he had seen this exact State Farm commercial far too often these past few sleepless nights.

He laughed bitterly as he watched the agent on screen appear out of thin air to help save the men. If only _his_ insurance were so reliable.

Even still…he knew the summoning stuff was just a joke for the commercials, but he couldn’t help but wonder if State Farm really was as good as they made it out to be.

_There’s no harm in making a phone call_

He looked up the number for the local State Farm agency and dialed. It had barely rung once before he heard a soft “Hello, thank you for calling State Farm, this is Ernst, how can I assist you?”

_Well, that was fast._

Hanschen heard a bubbling laugh on the other end, which made him realize: _shit, I said that out loud_

More laughing, and he’d clearly done it again.

“I need to learn how to shut my mouth…” he muttered, trying to smother his embarrassment

“No, no,” the voice-Ernst- insisted, “it’s okay, you’re fine. I’ve heard a lot dumber things, believe me.”

“In my defense, you did answer weirdly fast,” Hanschen pointed out.

“It’s 2:30 in the morning,” Ernst responded. “Not too much to do here at this hour. No one wants to talk insurance options in the middle of the night, you know?”

“I want to,” Hanschen said frankly. “That’s why I called. Not that making you laugh wasn’t fun”

“Oh.” Ernst’s end was silent for a moment, save for the sound of shuffling papers. “This is good. I’ll, um, actually get to do my job instead of playing more Solitaire. I almost never get any calls during my night shifts, you know? Not that it matters, since I’m moving out of sales pretty soon, I’m going to be an actual agent, which will be ni-,“ Ernst rambled until he was cut off by a laugh.

“…whoops. Sorry, I guess I just got excited. Like I said, I’m usually just playing Solitaire all night.” He laughed sheepishly before continuing, “So, uh, do you have questions about an existing policy, or are you looking to switch to State Farm?”

“Looking to switch.” Hanschen went into a full recap of the last few weeks, starting with the fire, and maybe he as providing a little too much detail, but he had been dealing with this for a while now, and he honestly needed to vent, whether he cared to admit it or not.

“Aaah, yeah,” Ernst said sympathetically once Hanschen’s tirade had ended. “I’ve heard an awful lot about them. They’re cheap, but-“

“There’s a reason for it,” Hanschen finished with a bitter laugh.

“Yeah. But I can promise you; we at State Farm are nothing like that. In fact, if you’d like, I can start going over some policy options that would best fit your needs.”

With approval from Hanschen, Ernst launched into a grand description of several different policies that applied to his situation.

Hanschen was floored; some of the benefits seemed almost too good to be true.

“You’d do that for me? _Really?_ Yeah, I’d like that…”

Perhaps, in his excitement in all of the possibilities this new insurance held, Hanschen had gotten louder than he had intended, because out of the corner of his eye, he saw Max, looking none too pleased to be woken up again.

“Who are you talking to,” Max asked, arms crossed as he glared at Hanschen. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still feel really bad about that short prologue, so here's a much longer Chapter 1 for you.  
> So, when I was planning this a million years ago, I was really hyped. Then I got started and realized that writing Hanschen makes me nervous. I don't like making him a total asshole, so I'm hoping I found a good medium.  
> As for the Fear Factor thing: every time I stay up all night and try to watch TV, it's the only decent thing on. I wanted Hanschen to feel my pain.  
> A special prize to whoever can guess which State Farm commercial came on during the commercial break :p  
> Let me know what you guys think, and I'll see you with the next chapter in a few days!


	3. Like a Good Neighbor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max finds out who is on the phone, and State Farm Insurance is put to the test

_Previously: “Who are you talking to,” Max asked, arms crossed as he glared at Hanschen._

“Uh, it’s Ernst, from State Farm,” he informed his boyfriend before returning his attention to the phone call “that sounds like a really good deal.”

“Ernst from State Farm at,” Max glanced at the clock on the DVR “three in the morning?” He grabbed the cell phone out of Hanschen’s hands.

“Babe, I think you just put it on speaker-“ Hanschen started before Max interrupted him, demanding into the phone “Who is this?”

An awkward silence came from the other end as Hanschen insisted “It’s Ernst, from State Farm.”

Max rolled his eyes, then asked “What are you wearing, ‘Ernst from State Farm?’” complete with air quotes and a disbelieving glare toward his boyfriend.

The silence on the opposite end of the call was finally broken with Ernst uncomfortably stating “Uh…Khakis?”

Before he could stop it, Hanschen let out a wistful sigh at that thought. He froze, casting a nervous glance toward Max, whose face gave nothing away.

After a moment of staring at the phone in his hand, Max handed it back. “Yeah, no one is weird enough to humor your khaki kink. I believe you.”

“It’s not a kink,” Hanschen insisted, hurriedly taking the call off speaker before Ernst could hear anything else. “And it’s not that weird. You’d look great in a nice pair of them if you would try-“

Max cut him off with a snort. “No way.” He kissed his lover’s cheek, and then turned back to the bedroom. “Goodnight. You and Ernst better keep it down.”

Hanschen waved him off “Yeah, we will, thanks, dear.” He shook his head and resumed the phone call. “Hey, sorry about that. Max can be a real grouch most of the time, especially when he gets woken up. Still, I never thought he’d…”

“That he’d accuse you of cheating with a State Farm agent?”

“Yeah, that.”

“It’s fine. At least I’ll finally have a funny story to tell the others. I’m sure Thea will love it. Now, do you want to hear about some options for adding in your auto insurance?”

Hanschen smiled. “That sounds great.”

\--

Months passed, and Hanschen was no longer waking Max up with awful dreams of fire and Otto. No, now he never had to deal with any of that ever again, and he was beyond relieved.

Hell, even Max was acting less grumpy these days, though he’d never be totally happy; he had always been snarky, and after he got sick, he never totally got better. He was still hurting, and Hanschen couldn’t possibly blame him. Still, Max was as happy as he could be, so Hanschen could breathe easy.

It was his day off from work, and since Max had been forced to go into work with a horrible migraine, Hanschen decided to spend the day cleaning the house to give him a nice surprise for when he returned home.

With the first load of laundry successfully loaded in the washing machine, it was time to tackle the next task of importance: the bathroom.

The catch: Max was usually the one to take care of this particular job when they cleaned together, along with the dusting. Even after that horrible night where Max woke up barely able to move, weeks in the hospital and months of recovery following after, Hanschen didn’t have to do it. Max’s mother moved in to help her son recover, which included helping with the cleaning, so Hanschen had no experience whatsoever with the task.

Still, it hadn’t been done in a while, and how hard could it be?

He began digging around in the cabinets in search of the proper supplies to get started.

Locating the tile cleaner, he quickly went to work, spraying the shower walls and tub, and then went back to the cabinet to find something for the toilet while he waited for the tile cleaner to do its job. After a few minutes of digging around, he happened upon a softball-sized blue sphere. He squinted and idly rolled it around in his hands as he examined it.

“I think this is a toilet cleaner? Anna bought it for us,” he mumbled to himself.

Another few seconds of staring confirmed that, yes, this must be the thing that cleans the bowl and turns the water blue. With a shrug, Hanschen dropped it in and flushed.

Satisfied, he turned back to the shower and turned the hose on, ready to spray the walls when his phone started blasting the shrill horn ringtone he designated for calls from work.

Hanschen scowled and hastily put the showerhead back on the holder, rushing to get to his phone in time.

In his haste, unbeknownst to Hanschen, the hose had turned and started spraying toward the toilet that was just beginning to overflow with bubbly, sparkly blue foam.

\--

“Yeah…yeah, I’ll come in early tomorrow,” Hanschen assured his boss on the phone, walking back to the bathroom. “Yep, 8:00, I kn…” he began, trailing off once he reached his destination, eyes widening in dismay as he looked over the disaster before him. “sir? I have to go,” he said, hanging up before his boss could respond.

The scene in front of Hanschen was nothing short of horrific; somehow, while Hanschen was on the phone, the toilet cleaner (which Hanschen was starting to suspect was not a toilet cleaner after all) had caused the toilet to overflow, a sparkly blue foam quickly creeping its way toward the door, aided by the shower hose that had clearly shifted to spray outside the bathtub.

In that moment, the helplessness that had finally left after solving his insurance woes returned full force. What was he going to do? He knew the longer he stood there staring at the mess would only make the water damage to the floor worse, but he had no clue as to how to get rid of it.

 _Oh, god,_ he thought, _what will I tell Max?_

He had wanted Max to come home to a sparkling clean house, not a sparkly blue flood.

With no idea how to fix this, Hanschen did the only thing he possibly could: he sang.

“ ** _Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there_** ”

He stood there, waiting for a minute before he mentally cursed himself.

 _Of course it didn’t work,_ he thought bitterly, _that only works on TV. My agent isn’t going to magically show up just because I sang some stupid jing-_

Hanschen’s thoughts were interrupted by a puff of smoke, a cough following after.

“Yikes. Sorry, I’m still new to the summoning thing. “ cough “Still takes me a little longer to get places. Not enough practice, I guess”

The smoke cleared, revealing a dark haired man, no older than Hanschen, probably, wearing-

_Oh dear lord, he’s wearing khakis._

Hanschen quickly tore his eyes away from the view of the other man’s well-fitted khakis; he had a boyfriend, after all, and he wouldn’t betray Max by gawking at this guy’s stylish pants.

“Uh. Who are you?”

“Oh!” The man shook his head with a sheepish grin. “Sorry about that. I’m Ernst, your agent. We actually spoke on the phone.”

“Right, yeah. I just didn’t realize you’d be my agent.”

“Yep. You’re actually my first client. Small world” A beat “So, um, what did you need?”

Hanschen looked at him, disbelieving, then gestured to the floor, where the water was continuing to flow out the bathroom door. “The toilet flooded, and I think it’s really going to damage the floor. I get that it’s weird, and you probably think I’m an idiot or something,” he began, a defensive tone coloring his voice, when Ernst held up a hand to stop his rant as he looked down at the water.

“No, this sort of thing actually happens a lot.” He stared at it all, eyebrows furrowed in concentration before he nodded, “Yeah, don’t worry. You’re covered, Hanschen.”

And if that wasn’t the most wonderful thing he’d heard all day.

“Okay. Great. Thank you.” Silence “So, do you still need pictures for the report or is that not necessary since you saw it already? Because if you don’t, I’m just going to work on trying to clean this up”

“We still need pictures to process the claim,” Ernst confirmed. “If you want, I can just take them while you go get everything together to get the water out”

Hanschen gave him a relieved smile. “Thank you, that would be great.” With one issue out of the way, Hanschen’s head was clearer. He could form a plan. “I think my dad left his shop vac here when he and mom moved, so I’ll go see about that.”

Ernst nodded in agreement, and the two went to work. Within an hour or so, the majority of the water was gone, leaving Hanschen (and Ernst, surprisingly) to sop up the remainder with the towels they had in the bathroom.

“Thank you for doing this, “ Hanschen said as they finished up. “I get that it’s not your job to help me clean up”

“It’s not a problem,” Ernst insisted. “I honestly don’t have much else to do besides finish up the paperwork for your claim, so I’m really happy to help.” Throwing the towel over the side of the tub to dry, he continued. “Speaking of the paperwork, just give me a good time to call you to get the rest of the information I’m going to need-“

“Just ask me your questions now,” Hanschen interrupted. “You’re already here, so we could go into the living room and you can get whatever information you need.”

Ernst blinked, the looked away, already in thought. “I guess that works too. I’d need to poof back to the office and get my laptop, but I don’t see why I can’t ask you questions here. I can even get your end of the paperwork while I’m over there so you won’t have to wait for it to be mailed to you.”

“Sounds Perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took a bit longer. I had the original almost fully written out, then I realized I left a weird gap in the canon in my head, so I needed to elaborate some, as well as actually finish the chapter.  
> The thing is with Max is that he wasn't in the musical, and was only mentioned in the play as having been involved with Hanschen, and having died of the Brain Fever. Brain Fever could have been Cancer or Meningitis. Personally, I think either one is awful, but I didn't have the heart to make Max suffer through brain cancer. Not that having him struggle through meningitis broke my heart any less. That being said, I did a lot of research on bacterial meningitis for it only being vaguely mentioned a few times. I like Max a lot, and I really want to do him justice. (I also want to wrap him up in soft blankets and hug him, though he'd probably just complain if I did :p) I'm half considering writing a fic just about him now. We'll see. All I know is that I spent all of Intro to Hospitality rechecking my knowledge on it all, and trying not to cry about what that poor boy has to go through. I just really love him.  
> Anyway, yes, Hanschen tried to clean the toilet with a bath bomb. My friend loved that bit, so I was happy to share that misadventure with you.  
> Hope you enjoyed, and thanks so much for reading. If you ever wanna shout about SA with me, ask me questions, or cry about Max, feel free to visit me on my tumblr, bounded-yet-infinite.tumblr.com~ See you next time :)  
> P.S. When I went to the wiki to see what Otto's last name was, I got a fun surprise. His wiki page is great. Give it a look if you can.


End file.
